/ 1 1 



/ 




NEW 
PLAYS, 



Ootivritrht l^T';. hv Gborok M. Rakkr, 



/ SHA3IK0CK AND ROSE. Four Acts. Ten characters. 
IN THK ENEMY'S CAMP. Three Acts. Ten characters. 
OUT OF HIS SPHERE. Three Acts. Eight characters. 
ANITA'S TRIAL. Three Acts. For All Girls. 
A RICE PUDDING. Two Acts. Five characters. 
AN AUTOGRAPH LETTER. Three Acts. Ten characters. 
THE WAY TO HIS POCKET. One Act. Five characters. 
THE BAT AND THE BALL. One Act. Seven characters. 



Price, 25c. 
Price, 15c. 
Price, 15c. 
Price, 25c. 
Price, 25c. 
Price, 25c. 
Price, 15c. 
Price, 15c. 



THE UNIVERSAL STAGE. 



ALWAYS INTENDED. A Comedy in 1 

Act. Bv Horace Wig'an. .'5 male, 3 female char. 

THE ANONYMOUS KISS. A Vaudeville. 

2 male, 2 female char. 

ANOTHER GLASS. A Drama in 1 Act. 

Bv Thoinas Morton. (J male, .'! female char. 

AUNT CHARLOTTE'S MAID. A Farce 

in 1 Act. By J. M. Morton, o male, 3 female char. 

THE BABES IN THE WOOD. A Comedy 

in 3 Acts. Bv Tom Tavlor. !U mule, 3 female char. 

BLANKS AND PRIZES. A Comedietta 

in 1 Act. Bv Dexter 8niiih. 6 male, 2 female char. 

BLUE AND CHERRY. A Comedy iu 1 

Act. 3 male, 2 female cliar. 

■BOUQUET, A Comedietta in 1 Act. By 

J. A. WoodvvarcJ. 2 male, 2 female ehar. 

BOWLED OUT. A Farce in 1 Act. By 

H. T. Craven. 4 male, 3 female char. 

BROTHER BILL AND ME. A Farce in 

1 Act. Bv W. E. Suter. 4 male, 3 female char. 

A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP. A Comedy 

in 2 Acts. By Charles Matthews. S male, 4 female 

THE CHRISTENING. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By J. B. Biickstone. 5 nialc, ti female char. 

THE CLEFT STICK. A Comedy in 3 Acts. 

6 inale, 3 female char. 

COUSIN TO.VI. A Comeiiietta in 1 Act. 

Bv Geo. Kobt'rts. 3 male, 2 female char. 

DAMON AND PYTHIAS. A Farce. 6 

male, 4 female char. 

DANDELION'S DODGES. A Farce in 1 

Act. Bv 1'. ,f. William-i. 4 male. 2 female char. 

THE DAUGHTER OF THE REGIMENT. 

A Drama in 2 Acts. By Edward Fitzball. tt male, 

2 female char. 

DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. An Interlude 

in 1 Act. Bv \V. H. Murrav. 10 male, 1 female. 

DONE ON BOTH SIDES. A Farce iu 1 

Act. Bv J. M. Morton. 3 male, 2 female char. 

DON'T JUDGE BY APPEARANCES. A 

Farce in 1 .\ct. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 2 female. 

DORA. A Pastoral Drama in 3 Acts. By 

Chas. Reade. 5 male, 2 femaie char. 

A DOUBTFUL VICTORY. A Comedy in 

1 Act. 3 male. 2 femaie char. 

DUNDUCKETTY'S PICNIC. A Farce in 1 

Act. Bv r. J. Williams. 6 male, 3 female char. 

EAST LYNNE. A Drama iu 5 Act*. 8 

J male. 7 female char 

GASPARDO THE GONDOLIER. A Drama 

a 3 Acts. Bv Georg-e Aiinii:-. 10 male, 2 female. 

GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME. A Farce. 

2 me.le, 2 lemale char, 

THE HIDDEN HAND. A Drama i n 5 Acts. 

Bv Robert Jones. Itl male, 7 female char. 

HIT HIM, HE HAS NO FRIENDS. A 

Farce m 1 Act. By E. Vates and N. tl. Harriug-toa. 

7 male, 3 female char. 

A HUSBAND TO ORDER. A Serio-comic 

Drama in 2 .Acts. 5 male, 3 female char. 

I'VE WRITTEN TO BROWNE. A Farce 

m I Act. BvT. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female char. 

JOHN DOBBS. A Farce in 1 Act. By 

J. M. Morton. 5 male, 2 female char. 

JOHN W0PP3. A Faroe iu 1 Act. By 

W. E. Suter. 4 male, 2 female char. 

THE LOST CHILDREN. A Musical En- 

tertainmeut in 5 Acts. By Mrs. Lewis Jtrvey. 8 
male, 5 female char., and chorus. 

LOOK AFTER BROWN. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By Georjie A. Sluart, M.D. 6 male, 1 female char. 

LOST IN LONDON. A Drama iu 3 Acts. 

6 male, 4 female char. 



LYING WILL OUT. A Comedy in 4 Acts. 

By H. Pel ham Curtis. 6 male, 4 female char. 

MADAM IS ABED. A Vaudeville in 1 Act. 

2 male, 2 female char. 

MARY MOO; or, Which Shall I Marry! 

A Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 male, 1 fern. 

MONSEIGNEUR. A Drama in « Acts. By 

Thomas Archer. Jo male, 3 female char. 

MY PRECIOUS BETSY. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By J. M. Morton. 4 male, 4 female char. 

MY TURN NEXT. A Farce in 1 Act. By 

T.J \Viliiams. 4 male, 3 female char. 

NICHOLAS FLAM, A Comedy in 2 Acts. 

By J. B. Buckstoue. 5 male, 3 female char. 

NONE SO DEAF AS THOSE WHO WON'T 

Hear. A Comedietta in 1 Act. By H. P. Curtis. 2 
male, 2 female char. 

NURSEY CHICKWEED. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 2 female char. 

OLD HONESTY. A Comic Drama in 2 

Acts. Bv J. M. Morton. S male, 2 female char. 

ONLY A CLOD. A CouiicDmniainl Act. 

Bv J. P. Simpson. 4 male. 1 female char. 

PAYABLE ON DEMAND. A JJomestic 

Drama in 2 Acts. 7 male, 1 female char. 

THE PHANTOM BREAKFAST. A Farce 

in 1 Act. Bv Clias. ttelbv, 3 male, 2 female char. 

rUTKINS ; ■ Heir to "Castles in the Air. 

A Comic Drama iu 1 Act. By W. R. Eniersoii. 2 
male, 2 female char. 

THE QUEEN'S HEART, A Comedy in 3 

Acts, o male, 4 female char. 

A RACE FOR A WIDOW. A Farce in I 

Act. By T. J. Williams, o male, 4 female char. 

SARAH'S YOUNG MAN. A Farce in 1 

Act. Bv W. E. .Suter. 3 male, 3 female char 

THE SCARLET LETTER. A Drama in 3 

Acts, h male, 7 female char. 

SILVERSTONE'S WAGER. A Comedi- 

etta in 1 Act. Bv K. R. Andrews. 4 male, 3 lemale. 

A SLICE OF LUCK. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By J. M. Morton. 4 male, 2 female char. 

SMASHINGTON GOIT. A Farce in l Act. 

Bv T. J. Wi'liams. 5 male, 3 female char. 

A SOLDIER, A SAILOR, A TINKER, 

and a Tailor. A I'nrce in 1 Act. 4 male, 2 female. 

SUNSHINE THROUGH THE CLOUDS. 

A Drama in 1 Act. By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 male, 
3 female char. 

TRUE UNTO DEATH. A Drama in 2 Acts. 

Bv J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 male, 2 female char. 

THE TURKISH BATH. A Farce in 1 Act. 

By Montague Williams and F. C. Buniand. 6 male, 
1 female cliar. 

TWO GENTLEMEN IN A FIX. A Farce 

in lAct. Bv W. E. Suter. 2 maie c*iar. 

TWO HEADS BETTER THAN ONE. A 

Farce in 1 Act. Bv Lenox Home. 4 male, 1 female. 

THE TWO PUDDIFOOTS. A Farce in 1 

Act. Bv J. M. Jiorton. 3 male, 3 female char. 

AN UGLY CUSTOMER. A Farce in 1 Act. 

I?v Thdinas .J. Williams. 3 male. 2 female char. 

UNCLE ROBERT. A Comedy in 3 Acts. 

Bv H. P. Curtis. 6 male, 2 female char. 

A VERY PLEASANT EVENING. A Farce 

in 1 Act. Bv W. Iv Suter. 3 male char. 

THE WELSH GIRL. A Comedy iu 1 Act. 

Bv Mrs. Planche. 3 male, 2 female char. 

WHICH WILL HAVE HIM? A Vaude 

ville. 1 male. 2 female cliar. 

THE WIFE'S SECRET. A Play in 5 Acts. 

Bv Geo. W. Lcvell. 1(1 male. £ female char. 

YOUR LIFE'S IN DANGER A Farce in 

1 Act. Bv J. M. iicrton. 3 male, ^ female cho'- 



WALTEE H. BAKEE & CO., Publishers, Boston, Mass. 



p. O. Box 2846. 



FORTY 
MINUTES WITH A CRANK 



OR 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 



J^ ^avjcje 



BY 



GEORGE M. BAKER 







Copyright, 18S9, 
By GEORGE M. BAKER. 



Forty Minutes vjith a Crank. 




CHARACTERS. 

Archimedes Abbott, Principal of the Realistic School 
of Expression. 

Prof. Ragmuffin, of the Tramp Department. 

Prof. Pomdeterre, of the Erin Department. 

Prof. Bologna, of the Deutsch Department. 

Prof. Snowball, of the African Department. 

Prof. Musty Knott, of the Curfew Department. 

Arthur James, in love with Fanny. 

Fred. Stokes, his friend. 

Fanny Abbott, daughter of Archimedes. 

Minnie Moneybags, a pupil. 

Mary, the Maid of the " In and Out" Department. 

COSTUMES. 

Professor Abbott. Iron-gray wig, bald on tcp; old-fashioned suit of any kind; 
spectacles worn low down on his nose, so that he looks over the top of them. His 
manner is quick and jerky. The description of the " system" on page 9 should 
be given with rapid but distinct utterance, great enthusiasm, and many gestures. 

Professor Povideterre, Usual stage Irish costume; breeches and stockings, 
white coat, etc., red wig. 

Professor Bologna. Stage costume of the German comedian; cap, and long 
coat, light wig, smooth face. 

Professor Ragimifin. Misfitting dress-suit, white tie, and immense white 
gloves; the waistcoat should be buttoned wrong; the shirt-collar should be stand- 
ing on one side, and turned down on the other, the necktie on one side; one leg 
of trousers sticking up to top of boot; rough wig, and bristle beard. The clothes 
should in every way misfit, but be scrupulously clean; the idea being, that Pro- 
fessor Abbott has taken him from the streets and dressed him for company. 

Professor Sno-Mball. Costume of end man in minstrel-show; velvet coal lined 
with yellow, yellow silk breeches and stockings, preferable. 

Professor Musty. Bicycle-jacket, breeches, and stockings, no waistcoat; wide 
collar of shirt to roll over coat-collar, tied with black ribbon, red crop wig; 
manner, stage-struck. His quotations and all of his speeches should be given in a 
melodramatic way; and, when not speaking, he should have a soit of " scenting- 
blood " manner. 

Arthur, ist dress modern. Prince Albert coat, light trousers, full beard, hat 
and gloves in hand. 2d, Seldarte dress. French blouse, or Norfolk jacket will do, 



NOTES. 



with sleeves as described on page 30, necktie as described on page 30, long white 
hair to fall over shoulders, neat mustache. Immediately on quitting stage, m the 
crazy scene, change to first dress (without full beard). 

Fred. Modern. " English " as possible. 

Fanny. Suit herself. 

Mary. Light calico with spots, or spotted muslin; apron, and maid's cap. 

Mi7i7iie. Age about thirty -five ; costume to be very "young," face old. The 
" Te, he! " in text, is meant for a giggling laugh. Gray hair, eye-glasses. 



NOTES. 

To arrange the " Curfew," fasten a good stout rope to the ceiling inside the c. 
door or alcove, let it fall about a f^ot below top of door. To this rope, fasten the 
profile of a bell, cut from pasteboard and painted, so that about three inches of rope 
shall fall below rim of bell; tie some paper about this and black it, and you have 
the tongue of your bell. In swingmg the rope you swing bell, tongue, and all; 
but this will not be amiss. Have somebody outside i. and r. of C. door to swin^ 
" Abbott " after Seldarte starts him. There should be a rope hanging just inside 
the door for Seldarte to pull. 

" England's sun " should be painted as setting in a bank of clouds, about three 
feet from stage or flat, behind c. doors. 

In the music, the " Professors " should join in the chorus of each other's songs. 

The music used can be. obtained of the publishers as follows: — 

" College Song?," containing, " There's Nothing like the Chink, Chink, 
Chink," " Ma-ri had a Little Lamb," price 50 cents. Sheet Music, " They get 
there just the same," price 35 cents; " The Sword of Bunker Hill," price 40 
cents; " We'll raise de roof to-night," price 40 cents. 



FORTY MINUTES WITH A CRANK. 



Scene. — Professor Abbott's acadejny; c, alcove or 
do7ibIe doors open, before wJiich are hanging closed curtains 
to pari in the iniddle. Over door, sign, " Curfew Depart- 
ment.'''' Two doors \\. : over one, " Tra7np Department j " 
over the other, '' Erin Department.'''' Two doors L. : oi'er 
one, '■'' Deutsch Depart7nent f over the other, '•'•African 
Department!''^ If doors are not used, place signs on the 
wings. Table and chair R., near i entrance. On table, 
rttbber-ball, to represoit bomb. Bell. Five portmonnaies. 
Rocking-horse near flat R. c. Bench near flat L. c. Mary 
discovered at table dusting, as the curtain Uses. 

Minnie {outside c, very loud). " Curfew shall not ring 
to-night." 

M\5?,t:y {outside c). '' Mzist noV 

Minnie. "Curfew mud not rinsf to-nisfht." 

Mary. There they go ! The same old story from morn- 
ing till night. " Curfew Department ! " Torture-chamber 
would be a better name for that museum of horrors. I 
know, for, like every pupil who enters here. I came with cur- 
few on the brain. One week of the realistic system cured 
me of any desire to inflict on a long-suffering public — 

Minnie {outside). " Curfew must not ring to-night." 

Mary. Exactly. Oh ' you'll wish, my dear, before you are 
through, that deaf old sexton had buried Bessie, bell, curfew, 
and Cromwell in one of his deepest graves, ere you had caught 
the fever. 

Musty {outside). Now, swing. 

Minnie. Oh, oh, professor! oh, oh ! 

Mary. She's practising the grand acrobatic feat, hanging 
by the tongue of the bell. 

Minnie. Oh, oh ! 

5 



6 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

Mary. She won't do; she can't hold her own. 

Musty. That will do for now. • 

Minnie. Thank Heaven ! 

Musty {appears c. pitshuiir back curiai?is, showing against 
fiat, " the setting sun; " above door^ the bell hanging. M innie 
stands rubbing her artns). The lesson is over. 

Minnie {comes forward rubbing her shoulders). I ' ve nearly 
dislocated my shoulder-blades, and my wrists — 

Musty. Yes; you now feel permeating 3-our entire sys- 
tem the noble inspiration which caused the heroic Bessie to 
perform her feat of ground and lofty tumbling, that has 
convulsed the world. You now realize the situation, and can 
speak your little piece feelingly. Ah ! shoulder-blades may 
crack, wrists give way but the grand idea, the soul of 
poetry, is with you evermore. {Holds out hand.) Five dol- 
lars, please. 

Minnie {taking out pocket-book). But, dear professor, do 
yqu really think I improve.'' {Gives bill.) 

Musty. Wonderfully, Miss Moneybags; you have 
genius — 

Minnie. Te, he ! ecstatic thought. 

Musty. You have grace — 

Minnie. Te, he ! Oh ! you flatter me. 

Musty {looking at bill). You have booty. Ahem ! beauty. 

Minnie. Te, he ! O professor! 

Musty. 

Three mighty powers that sway your little frame, 
To burst the shell, and wing their way to fame. 

Minnie. Be — u — tiful thought. 

Musty. You will be the belle of the platform. 

Minnie. Oh, thank you ! Te, he ! 

Musty. Take a little rest in the anteroom; if I get time 
I will give you another lesson, and {looking at bill) take a few 
more notes. 

Minnie (^<7/«^ R.). I shall be the belle of the platform. 
He has said it. Te, he ! I shall stand before thousands, 
the observed of all observers. At last I shall be heard. 
" Curfew must not ring." {Raises her arms.) Oh! oh! oh! 
{Exit R. I E., groaning) 

Musty. Not to-night. Due notice shall be given of your 
first appearance — to warn the public. For further particulars, 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 7 

see {looks at bill) more small bills. {About to put it in his 
pocket.) 

Mary {takes it). Contrary to the rules. 

Musty. Mistress Mary, quite contrary, where does the 
money go ? 

Mary {placing it in drawer of table). Into the treasury, 
of course. 

Musty. 



Mary. 



" Foul cankering rust the hidden treasure frets, 
But gold that's put to use more gold begets," 



And little bills, when snugly tucked away, 
May stop a leak upon some rainy day. 



Musty. If you are dropping into poetry, I drop out O 
Mary! 

" My little body is aweary of this great world." 

Mary. Why, I'm sure every thing goes on swimmingly 
here. You have the best situation of all the professors, 
and I — 

Musty. Tend the door, dust the furniture, do the little- 
lamb business, and pose for love in the grand display of the 
passion. O Mary! was it for this we left "our vine-clad 
hills " ? 

Mary. I don't know any thing about our vine-clad hills ; 
but I do know, that because we succeeded in pleasing a few 
people in our native town with our amateur acting, we thought 
we were capable of astonishing the world, so came to this 
realistic school for the finishing touches, spent all our money 
for lessons, and were glad enough to accept situations until 
we could get enough to return home sadder and wiser. 

Musty. Now you are dropping out of poetry. Ah! 
lliose days, those happy days! Methinks I see myself now 
on the little seven-by-nine stage, before the benign elite of 
1 'unkatunk ; I hear the thunders of applause as I make my 
left upper entrance. {SpozUs) — 

" Now is the winter of oiu" discontent 
Made glorious summer by this sun of York." 

Mary. Oh, don't ! you make me homesick. 



8 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

Musty. In all my triumphs you were the partner of my 
joys; you were my Juliet. {Spotrts) — 

" It is the East, and Juliet is the sun." 

Mary. And I see myself rising in the east. 
Musty. You were my Juliana. {Spouts) — 

*' The man who lays his hand upon a woman, 
Save in the spirit of kindness, is a wretch 
Whom 'twere base flattery to call a coward." 

Mary. That always brou.fjht a round — 

Musty. You were my Hunchback, — beg pardon, my 
Julia. Ah ! you were a superb Julia. 

Mary. Oh, don't I remember those rapturous lines ! 
(Spcmts.) "Tell me, CHfford, can these nuptials be shunned 
with honor? " 

Musty (spouts). " They can." 

Mary. " Then take me, Clifford." {Rushes into his arms.) 

Musty {very lojid) " My Julia ! " 

(Archimedes appears l. i. e., followed by Awtwcr. Bo- 
logna, Ragmuffin, Pomdeterre, and Snowball, f7-om 
iiieir " deharttnents.^'') 

Arc. Mary! 
(Mary screams., and 7'7ins off L. I E. ; Musty off c.) 

Rag. Where's the fire.'' 

Pom. Who's afther breakin' the pace, Pd loike to know ? 

BoL. What's der matter mid dot noises ? 

Snow. Who's dat ar' raisin' de roof.'' 

Arc. Never mind, professors : resume your studies. Sorry 
you should have been interrupted in your vowel exercise. 

{The four professors meet in C., fasten their eyes on open 
books which they hold.^ and i eturn to their se'.'eral " depart- 
ments^'' repeatiitg in. concert several times A, E, /, O, L/.) 

Arthur. Now, Mr. Abbott, will 30U kindly give me an 
answer.'' I iove your daughter; we were engaged, with your 
consent, a year ago when I departed for Europe. I returned 
yesterday. Before seeking her, I wish to hear from your 
lips the assurance that I have your consent to our marriage 
in the shortest possible time. 

Arc. My dear sir, what you ask is impossible, ridiculous, 
absurd. 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 9 

Arthur. But a year ago — 

Arc. I was a private citizen : to-day I am a great public 
benefactor, the original exponent in America of the Seldarte 
system, the founder of the realistic school of expression. 
Gisfantic ! sublime ! immense ! We are evolutionizing* ex- 
pression. Behold the evolution of dramatic art. True 
expression slumbered in its little bed till Seldarte roused it 
to action. All other systems attack the outworks : we of the 
new school throw our bombs into the magazine of pent-up 
eloquence, and open at once the avenues of speech, glorious ! 
ecstatic! superb! No artificial concentric, eccentric, and 
normal action of the legs, arms, and torso ; no passion save 
what the heart inspires. Feeling is the walking-beam of our 
engine : feel and act. Old systems play about the altar of 
eloquence, touching here and there with their little matches 
out-hanging fagots ; but we of the new school thrust our 
torches into the centre of the pile, and send a blaze of glory 
through the fabric. Illuminating! transfiguring! enrapturing! 

Arthur. With your bombs and torches, I should say 
that the Anarchist School would be the proper name for it. 

Arc. No ; every thing is law and orderly. Like the old 
school, the human frame has be'en classified. The legs, being 
the vassals of the body, we call vaseline; the arms, from 
the cunning of the hand, we style cuticiira; the body, which 
until Seldarte discovered its proper place, lacked art, we style 
lactart; the face, from its power of mimicry, moxie; and the 
head, whence flow ideas {tapping his head), sapolio. All 
original terms hypothecated by the great master. 

Arthur. He must have studied a drug-store. 

Arc. The old school start the arms, legs, and face, work- 
ing, to draw fire from the heart and mind : we start with the 
fire, which we build in lactart, the centre of the system, gen- 
erating the steam which, permeating and electrifying, sets 
vaseline, cuticura, moxie, and sapolio working; and the re- 
sult is genuine expression. Here we illustrate and teach the 
system. I have native professors in those lines most sought 
for. If I have a pupil who desires to become proficient in 
Celtic eloquence, I turn him in with a wild Irishman ; if the 
pupil has a taste for the Leedle Yawcob Strauss style, I send 
him to the " Deutsch department," where his voice is cultivated 
with sourkraut and pretzels. 

Arthur. Yes ; tonic and teutonic. 



lO THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

Arc. Exactly. Then I have a genuine tramp for the 
fashionable class who have adopted stable and gutter style ; 
a converted bootblack for the minstrel craze ; and a professor 
who devotes his time to instructing the curfew, with the aid 
of the rising sun and a real bell. {Points to Ctirfew Depart- 
ment) The best paying department in the school. Every 
thing is realistic ; we have a horse for the ambitious spouters 
of Sheridan's and Paul Revere's ride, a real lamb for Mary, 
genuine ice and snow for Excelsior. There's but one thing- 
lacking to make this a perfect conservatory, — the maniac 
department lacks a professor. I have been in correspondence 
with several lunatic-asylums, but fail to get one ; but never 
mind, he will come in time, and then the system will be 
perfect ! glorious ! gorgeous ! 

Arthur. But 1 fail to see how this affects my marriage 
with your daughter. 

Arc. My daughter is to be the model in the new system ; 
she is to exemplify its perfect workings. 'Twill take years 
and years of study ; she must not, can not, marry. 

Arthur. You would destroy her happiness.'* 

Arc. No ; I would make her the happiest woman in the 
world, for in the perfected knowledge of the great system 
she would have all that is worth living for. 

Arthur. Humbug! 

Arc. Come, come, sir, no levity. {Strikes bell.) That 
last expression of yours is out of order in the new school of 
expression. 

{Enter Mary, l. i e.) 
Mary, show this gentleman out. 

Arthur. But, Mr. Abbott, one word — 

Arc. Not one; my daughter is to be a star in the new 
school, brilliant ! seraphic ! gorgeous ! {Exit R. i E.) 

Arthur. Absurd! ridiculous! humbug! 

Mary. Were you speaking to me, sir.-* 

Arthur. What are you waiting for? 

Mary. To show you out. 

Arthur. Never mind, show Miss Fanny in. Tell her 
a gentleman wishes to see her. 

Mary. Yes, sir. {Crosses stage to R. i e.) She is here, 
{Enter Fanny, r. i e.) 

Arthur. Fanny ! 

Fanny. Arthur ! {Embraced) 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. II 

Mary. Another " Take me, Clifford." {Exit R. i E.) 

Arthur. You are lovelier than ever. 

Fanny. And you — oh, dear! where did you get that 
great beard ? 

Arthur. You don't like it.? 

Fanny. It's horrid. It quite hides your mouth, and that's 
the most taking part of your face. 

Arthur {kissing her). It has not lost all of its taking 
yviwer ; but, if you don't like it, off it comes. {Looks around.) 
Quite a change since I left. 

Fanny. You refer to father's latest craze, the realistic 
school of expression. 

Arthur (/rtz/'^/^j-). Ha! ha! ha! 

Fanny. It's no laughing matter. It is the queerest idea 
you ever heard of. 

Arthur. I know all about it from your father. {Lattghs.) 

Fanny. Don't laugh. 

Arthur. I must, Fanny ; for I am Monsieur Seldarte. 

Fanny. You ? 

Arthur. I am the inventor of the system which seems 
to be in active operation here. Visiting one of the famous 
French schools of expression, whose outward mechanical 
imitations of the inborn passions struck me as something 
which might be successfully parodied, I prepared a formula 
for the new school, and sent it to your father, knowing he is 
an enthusiastic admirer of all forms of expression. I sup- 
posed he would see the joke, but to my surprise he took my 
exhibit in dead earnest. 

Fanny. And you continued the deception ? 

Arthur. As Monsieur Seldarte, yes. How could I help 
it.'* The old gentleman so enjoyed his discovery, that I had 
not the heart to wake him from his dream. 

Fanny. He will wake you from yours. 

Arthur. He has already. 

Fanny. He is so infatuated, that he is determined I shall 
not marry, but become the finished model of his theory. 

Arthur. So he has informed me. 

Fanny. So, you see, you have brought your eggs to a 
bad market. 

Arthur. But I can explain. 

Fanny. Yes ; let him know what a fool you have made 
of him. He'll be very likely to accept you as a son-in-law. 



12 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

Arthur. 'Twas only a joke. , 

Fanny. Which might have cost him dearly, but for the 
credulity of the public. 

Arthur. Do you mean that people accept this new 
departure seriously.'' 

Fanny. Undoubtedly, since he has more applications for 
tuition than he can accommodate. 

Arthur. I'm glad the old gentleman is reaping a harvest 
from the sowing of my wild oats. But what's to be done ? 
I must have you. 

Fanny. You have made my father the butt for one of 
)^our practical jokes. When you have persuaded him that 
his system is a delusion, I may be induced to listen to you. 
You were smart enough to concoct the scheme : now set your 
wits to work, and undo the mischief. When you have suc- 
ceeded, we will perhaps renew our engagement: till then, 
farewelk {Going r.) 

Arthur. But, Fanny — 

Fanny. I have spoken. {Exit R. i e.) 

Arthur. She has spoken ; short but not sweet. I've 
made a pretty mess of it, — founded a new school, and lost its 
most promising pupil. How shall I get out of this muddle ? 
{E7iter Fred Stokes, l. i e.) 

Fred {with a drawl). By Jove ! old chappie, I'm deuced 
tired waiting out there for you. How did you find the dear 
charmer.'' 

Arthur {walking about i7npatiently). As lovely as ever. 

Fred. Deuced glad to hear it. If there is any thing 
lovely to be found in this blawsted country, I'd like to see it. 
Beastly climate this. Sun shines all day, you know ; miss the 
London fogs, you know ; feel all the time as if I was going up 
in a balloon, and all that sort of thing, you know, don't you 
know ? 

Arthur. Oh, drop that, Fred! We're in good old 
America now; it won't do to be too airy. 

Fred. By Jove ! old chappie, it's English, you know. 

Arthur. Then leave it on its native soil, it's too common 
to be commendable. 

Fred {without drawl). Hallo ! Arthur, my boy, you're in 
a bad way. What's up ? 

Arthur. That's what I want you to find out. My little 
Seldarte joke has wrought no end of trouble with my love 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 1 3 

affair. The old gentleman has, metaphorically, shown me the 
toe of his boot ; and, the young lady has put me on probation. 

Fred {with drawl). By Jove ! you know — 

Arthur {em^aged). Fred ! 

Fred {iio drawl). Well, by thunder ! 

Arthur. You see these signs about here ? The old gen- 
tleman has gone into the business seriously. How far, I 
don't know ; that's what I want you to find out. Remain 
here, get an interview with him, ask to see the working of 
the system, find out all you can. I'm off to some quiet place 
for an hour's meditation. Keep cool, and look about you. 
By Jove ! I shall go mad. {Exit L. i e.) 

Fred. But, Arthur, my boy — He's off novs'! what the 
deuce am I to do, nobody about? I'l try the bell. {Strikes 
bell on table Jive times. Enter, from their departments, 
Musty, Ragmuffin, Pomdeterre, Bologna, and Snow- 
ball ; all stop in front of their entrances, bowing and nib- 
bing their hands ; all speak together?^ 

Pom. The top ov the mornin' to yez. ^ 

Rag. Hello, pard. 

Bologna. Wie geht's ? 

Snow. Was you lookin' fer me ? 

Musty. Hail to your lordship ! 

Fred. By Jove ! you know you have the advantage of me. 

Pom. Well, if we hadn't, we should take it; faith, that's 
our business. If you're looking for any thing in the Oirish 
line, jist walk into my parlor, as the shpider said to the fly. 
I am Professor Pomdeterre from Tipperary, the only thrue 
exponant of the rael speech, customs and manners .of polite 
Irish society, which include the manual of the dudeen, the 
tactics of the shillelah, the art of kissin' a purty girl, the 
barn-door jig, and the twisting the tail ov the British lion, 
all wid the brogue. 

Song. — Air : The Merry Chink, Chink, Chink. {Student Songs.) 

Some spake the German lingo, 

Wid some bad Frinch's in vogue ; 
The truest spache you'll iver rache 

Is that same Irish brogue. 
You may smoile at bits ov blarney, 

Or roar at an Irish bull ; 
But niver moind, you'll always find 

The brogue is rich and full. 



14 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

For there's nothing half so jolly as the brogue, brogue, brogue, 
Nothing near as plasing as the brogue, brogue, brogue ; 

You may court a pretty girl, 

You may snatch a quiet pogue. 
But lips are all the swater wid a brogue, brogue, brogue. 

Fred. My dear fellah ! I've just arrived from England, 
you know. 

P(^M. {Jiercrly). Aha ! it's English you are. 

Fred {aside). By Jove ! he takes me for a native. {Aloii \) 
Yah, yas. 

Pom. {shaking his fist in his face). Will, by the powers I 
It'safoine spicimen ye are of the prosthitution ov power. 
It's the loikes of you that stand over prostrate Oireland, while 
she hangs spacheless over the abyss of despotism, shouting 
for succor. 

Fred. But, my good man, what do you mean .-* 

Pom. Mane is it.-^ Bah! you'd scrape kisses from the 
blarnev-stone, and sill them for swatemates. 

Fred. But, I _ I — I _ I _ 

Pom. Oh, bother your eyes! the sight ov you sinds a 
cowld sweat boiling through my veins. 

Fred. Come, come, sir; you are going too far. 

Pom. Oh, you'd smother free speech, would you? you'd 
check the flow of pat — 

Fred {no drawl). Shut up, you blatherskite ! For Ire- 
land's wrongs and the defenders of her rights, in common 
with all true men, I have the deepest sympathy ; but for such 
(jlackguavds as you, who make of every Englishman a target 
for vile abuse, the utmost contempt. {With a drawl.) Put 
that in your pipe and smoke it, old chappie. 

Pom. Faith, you seem to be doing the smoking. I ax 
your pardon. {Aside.) Begorra ! the British lion carries his 
tail betwane his teeth. 

Fred. I don't think I need any thing in your way. 

Bologna. Ah ! if you v.ant to be broke out all over mit 
de spirits of eloquence, ) ou will come mit me to my small pox ; 
I am Professor Bologna, and I teach sometings dot don't 
go round mit de spider and der fly, twisting der tail of dot 
British lion mitout brogans, to de music of der pagpipe. I 
teach you sometings dot don't got into der booktionaries. 
1 will teach you to pring out der muscles of your voice, or 
show you how to pack them away mit your chest."" I will 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 15 

show you how to play mit dot Hamlet feller, how to ride dot 
Sheridan, and how to drink like dot Rip Von Winkle, and 
teach you to dance mit all der figures of speech, and fill op 
your soul mit oratory, pretzels, and sweitzer kase. 

Song. — Air : They get there just the same. 

Some beobles in life go grazy 

Aboiidt dose vigures of speech, 
And flourish aboudt to get op der spoudt, 

Some stairs of fancy to reach ; 
Den der wheels of der world grow tired 

Mit der mighty pain dey got. 
*' Oh, take it avay ! for silence we pray ; 

And only leedle of dot." 

Der case of dot boy Bianca, 

What scorched mit his fader's sheep ; 
And dot cough you girl, mit her hair in curl, 

Dot nefar will let folks sleep ; 
And lots more of dose grazy pieces, 

With a whisker or bald spot. 
" Oh, take 'em away ! for silence we pray ; 

And only leedle of dot." 

Fred. Thank you ; I don't think I'll take the small pox. 
I've been vaccinated. 

Rag. I say, pard, if you want to come out strons:, train 
up for hostler Joe, that's your stronghold ! and you'll step 
into the fust society. 'That's my line. I'm a brand, I am, 
plucked from the burning. I'm one of the slipshod angels, 
a living example of the usefulness of worthlessness. I'm 
the fashion, I am. I'm a practical exponent of nobility in 
rags, with an always empty stomach, and a supreme contempt 
for work. One of the martyrs for whom those literary fellers 
weave garlands of glory. We save ships (on paper), we are 
made repentant by the smiles of a little child (on paper), we 
rush into burning buildings (on paper); but we don't get 
there, all the same. Come into my den, and I'll teach you all 
the snaps, the heart-broken tones, the whines, the slouching 
gait, and all the pomp and circumstance, that make the tramp~ 
glorious in the drawing-room. I kin do it, pard, fur I've 
been thar. {Sings or speaks^ 



l6 TJIE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

Air : The Stvord of Bunker Hill. 

The tramp came to the kitchen-door, 

His eyes were weak and dim ; 
And in a feeble voice he called 

The kitchen-maid to him. 
" Look well at me," the rascal cried, 

" Tm very poor and ill ; 
So quickly from your pantry bring 

A good square meal to fill." 

The food was brought, the fellow's eye 

Beamed with a sudden light ; 
And in a hoarse and feeble voice 

He murmured, " That's all right." 
" Wait not for me," the wanderer said, 

" I'll sit beside the gate ; " 
Then quickly bolted all the food. 

And carried off the plate." 

Fred. Thank you ; I'll not go upon the tramp at present. 

Sxow. Den all you perfessers clar de kitchen, and give 
de brack diamond a chance. Walk dis way, mister, forgit 
yer udder name ; dis is whar you get de mos' fur your money. 
Here's whar you get a shine — 

Musty. Five cents 1 

Snow. See, you. Jes' attend to your cufyou, and I'll 
attend to de callers. Dis year am de emporium of poplar 
eloquence ; Professor Snowball am here on de spot like an 
electric lucifer, illuminating wid colored lights de oratorical 
depths of profundity. Here's whar you get all dat's sublime 
in de oratorical dispensary, from de ravishing whangdoodle 
ob de camp-meeting to de melodious -cackle of de end man 
in de amateur minstrils. Here old Daddy Worfles' watering- 
cart am kept on exhibition. {Recites.) 

"Den sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle. 
While de bells go tinkle, tinkle. 
Swing low, old chariot. 
Well dribe de debble out." 

And here '■'- How Persimmons took Cah ob Der Baby " am 
elucidated wid de presence ob de original live baby. {Recites^ 

" You, Jawge Washington 
Thomas Jefferson 
Persimmons Henry Clay, be 

Quick, shot dat do', 

Get up off dat flo'. 
Come here and mind de baby." 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 1/ 

Now's your time ; de colored troops am coming to de front, 
black cork am de fashionable powder. 

Song. — Air: We'll Raise de Roof To-Night. 

Come, minstrils, take your places, 

Put out dem " Harbor Lights," 
De place " Held by de Enemy " 

Am ours by cibil rights. 
Go tell in halls ob fashion, 

Dat black cork am de rage ; 
And de end men in dar glory, 

De idols of de stage. 
Now, Tambo, quit your tuning. 

Come, middleman, look wise ; 
Now, brudder Bones, jes' lower your tones, 

For de curtain's gwine to rise. 
We'll swell den, we'll flash den. 

Black diamonds in de light. 
For wid de chestnuts cracking, 

We'll hold de stage to-night. 
Come along, den, minstrils, come almg, 

While de black cork's shining bright : 
We'll show de folks wid songs and anciuat jokes, 

We'll hold de stage to-night. 

Fred. Nothing in your line, thank you. 
Musty. Ha, ha, wily professors ! you are dumb with 
rage. So failed and foiled, give Mustapha the stage. Listen. 

England's son is sadly fretting, as at him you blaze away 

With your flippant Irish twaddle, German, tramp, and darky bray ; 

He is wretched, worn, and weary ; let me smooth his crumpled hair ; 

I can lead to paths of glory, up a dim and winding stair ; 

For I swing a mighty weapon, sets both friends and foes to flight. 

Stranger, let me send you humtning " Curfew must not ring to-night." 

Pom. {stamping, and tearing his hair). Oh, murther ! the 
ould belFs got the flure. Ring, indade ! that's thrue, for 
there's no ind to it. {Exit.) 

BoL. {fingers in his ears). Oh, dot curfew makes der 
whirl go round mit my head ! {Exit.) 

Rag. {frantically). Don't ring, but step round to the 
back-door. {Exit) 

Snow. Cut de rope, cut de rope ! Dar's cerfusion 'nuff 
widout dat ar cer — cer — cow-bell ! {Exit.) 

Musty. Professional jealousy. 



iS THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

" Well, let them steal away : 
The cat will mew, the cw'c-few have his day." 

Now, sir, shall I initiate you into the curfew chamber? 

Fred. No, I thank you. I have no taste for the antique. 

Musty. No? Delightful study, I assure you. Won't 
you step in and examine 

" England's sun was slowly setting," 

painted by the sun himself? 

Fred. How's that? 

Musty. Photographed, of course. 

Fred. Think I'll not venture nearer. 

Musty. Will you try the stair, climb the slimy ladder? 

Fred. No, lad ; no ladder. 

Musty. No? Will a swing on the bell tempt you? 

Fred. Nothing in your line, thank you. If you could 
conveniently arrange an interview with the principal of this 
institution — 

Musty. Oh ! you want to see Old Screw. 

Fred. Old Screw? 

Musty. Pet name. You know the original Archimedes 
invented the screw, you knov/. Hark ! 

" By the pricking of my thumbs, 
Something wicked this way comes." 

{Stands back with Fred, talking. ) 

Arc. {outside). That's me. It's no use teasing: you are 
to be wedded to your art, and no young man need apply. 
(£'?//^r Archimedes, r. i y.., followed by Fanny.) 

Fanny. But, pa, hsten to reason. 

Arc. I'll listen to nothing that stands between me and 
my ambition — 

Fanny. To make me miserable. 

Arc. No, Fanny: to make you the shining light of the 
platform, endowed with all the virtues of the Seldarte sys- 
tem; to make you my specimen brick in the new temple of 
realistic expression : that is my aim. And you would forsake 
all this glory, to sew on buttons for a young snob who knows 
nothing of Seldarte and his glorious system ! Preposterous! 
Absurd ! Humbug ! 

Fanny. So you are determined I shall remain single? 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. IQ 

Arc. Yes, Fanny. No man shall tear you from me. 

Fanny. Not even the great Seldarte himself? 

Arc. Not even — Stop! I could refuse him nothing. 
Egad ! I've a great mind to invite him over, and give him a 
chance. 

Fanny. If you do, I'll marry him. 

Arc. Fanny! 

Fanny. On one condition. As there is one man you are 
willing I should marry, and there is one other I want to 
marry, I will give you first choice, provided I have the 
second. 

Arc. I don't understand. 

Fanny. Monsieur Seldarte may decline the honor. 

Arc. If he does, I'll marry you to the first man that 
offers. Decline the honor of becoming the son-in-law to the 
pioneer ofTealistic art in America! Preposterous! Absurd! 
Humbug ! 

Fanny. All right, pa. I've a strong suspicion that I 
shall sew on buttons for that young snob, alter all. {Exit, 
R. I E. Exit Musty, c.) 

Fred {comes forward). Beg pardon. Were you just now 
speaking of Monsieur Seldarte of Paris? 

Arc. Exactly. 

Fred. He is now in this country. We were fellow- 
passengers on "The Britannic," which arrived yesterday. 

Arc. Is it possible that the great master is in America? 
that I shall look into his expressive eyes, clasp his expres- 
sive hand? This is too much ! Where is he? Let me run 
and fall upon his neck, — sublime, glorious apostle of art ! 

Fred. He will shortly pay you a visit. To prepare you 
for his coming I am here. 

Arc. Thanks, Mr. — 

Fred. Stokes. I should hke to see the working of your 
system. 

Arc. You are familiar with it? 

Fred. Not in this country. 

Arc. With the assistance of my professors, I will show 
its practical working. {Strikes bell Jive times. Enter as 
before Rag., Pom., Bol., Snow., and Musty, who form a 
half circle.) 

Arc. Professors, we are about to show this gentleman a 
part of our grand system by a display of the passions, com- 



20 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

mencing with love. {To Fred.) You see the mention of the 
passion does not move them. {To others.) Represent love, 
professors. {They look at each other foolishly^ 

Pom. Faith, I'll not be wasting my swateness on the 
desert air. 

BoL. Dot's de kind of bird don't flock all alone mit 
himself. 

Rag. a free lunch without refreshments. I pass. 

Snow. Lub's jes' like de measles : mus' hab somefin' to 
brung 'em out. 

Musty. And only catching when the girl's about. 

Arc. You see the old school's a failure. Now, in the 
twinkle of an eye, I change all this {strikes bell once) by 
■placing in their midst an object with whom they are all iu 
love. {Enter Mary, r. i e. She steps to c.) 

Pom. O Mary, my jewel! •♦ 

BoL. Oh, mine cracious, how I loaf dot girl! 

Rag. O Molly, my dolly ! now isn't she jolly.'' 

Snow. Oh, my ! she's jes' a yeast-cake. Put lub in a 
tub, an' she'd set it risin'. {As they speak., Mary turns to 
each. They hold out their arms to her, and she coqnettishly 
turns away to the next.) 

Musty. "Come rest in this bosom, my own stricken 
deer." 

Mary. Mustapha ! {Runs i?tto his arms.) 

Arc. Now observe the transition to jealousy. 

Pom. {tearinjj his hair., and looking wild). She loves him ; 
she loves Knott ! 

BoL. {shaking his fists in the air). She don't bring out 
some measles mit me ! ^ 

Rag. {tragically.) As usual, I take mine without sugar ! 

Snow. l)at ar golden slipper slipped by me ! 

Arc. Now from jealousy to hate. 

POxM. Let's tear the gurl from his arms ! 

BoL. Pm mit you on dat tare ! 

Rag. No monopoly : divide the spoils. 

Snow. Dat ar Knott must not keep what he got. {All 
four approach Musty.) 

Musty. Stop! {All fall back) Who touches a hair of 
her dear head, dies like a dog. March off! 

Pom. 'Nuff sed. 

Arg. That will do. — Mary, you can retire. 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 21 

(Mary exits^ r. i e., looking back, the Jive kissing their 
hands to her, and showing extravagant sig7is of affection. 

Arc. {sternly). Professors ! 

{They look sheepish, and co?7te into line; Musty, l.; Pom., 
BoL., Rag., Snow., r.) 

Arc. We will now produce, by the realistic method, joy, 
grief, mirth, rage, and fear. {Takes portemonnaies fro7n table, 
and, passing along the line, presents o?ie to each.) Profess- 
ors, I have much pleasure in rewarding your zeal. (Stops in 
tine at extreme L. The five look at each other and their 
portemonnaies, jnanifesting extravagant J.oy.) 

Arc. Behold the joy of possession ! Open ! 

{The five open. Find their porte7)io}uiaies empty, and look 
decidedly grieved^ 

Arc. Behold how quickly joy gives place to grief ! Mirth, 
having its location under the fifth rib, we produce by manip- 
ulation. {He tickles Musty iii the ribs; Musty does the 
sa?ne to Pom., and so on do7vn the line, producing first a 
smile, the?i a grin, then a laugh, to finish with a roar.) 

Arc. Now rage. {Stepson Musty's toe; Musty steps 
on PoM.'s, and so dowfi the line. All haul up fieet trodden 
on, a7td i7ia7iifest pai7i. Then each tur7is to so77ie 07ie else., 
a7id tJweatens with fist, ina7iifesti7ig rage. Ejaculatio7is ad 
libit u 771^ 

Arc. {during their gyratio7is, goes to table, a7id lights fuse 
i7i bojnb. When lighted.) Attention, professors! {They 
C077te i7ito li7ie.) We will now produce , fear. {Sets the bo7/ib 
on stage i7ifro7it of ^oi.. Gene7'al break in the li7ie. Musty 
7'U7ts Up C, gets behi7id curtai7is, a7id sticks his head oict. 
Snow, crawls binder the table, a7id watches the bomb. Rag. 
ru7is i/ito his depa7't7ne7it, pokes his head out-, watching the 
bo7nb. Pom. gets behi7id be7ich, puts his elbows o/i it, stop- 
pi7ig his ears with his fi7igers. BoL. 7;iou7its the rocki7ig- 
horse, clasps it about the 7ieck, a7id hides his head be1ii7id it, 
setti7ig it i7i i7iotio7i. The fuse reaches a few grai7is of pozv- 
der, a7id fiashes up without any report) 

Arc. Genuine fear. There's no sham about tliat. {Kicks 
ball off side. 

Fred. Capital, capital ! 

Snow, {crawls fro7n utider the table). Look a-here : ef 
dars gwine to be any more artillery practice, I quit. 

Pom. Is it sham pain ye's givin' us, wid yer sham thricks ? 



22 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

BoL. Dot gives me der snakes mit my boots. 

Rag. And me a sinking in the pit of my stomach. 

Musty. Hollow mockery ! 

Arc. You see the superiority of the new method over 
the old ; real emotion, natural action. 

Fred. Wonderful, professor! But how do you apply 
your system to elocution.'' 

Arc. You shall see. — Professors, you will prepare for a 
realistic rehearsal of the simple but beautiful poem, " iMar\ 
had a Little Lamb." 

Pom. Be jabbers, mutton again ! 

BoL. Dot lamb makes me feel sheap mit myself. 

Musty. But Mary loves the lamb, you know. 

Rag. Then, fer Mary's sake, I'll swallow the lamb. 

Snow. Yes ; but de lamb's all gone. 

All. Gone ! 

Snow. Yes ; dat ar pet lamb, dat's been trained fur dis 
'ticular 'casion, hab been murdered in his little bed and ab- 
ducted ; seed a man goin' down der street wid de deceased 
corpse of de pet on his shoulders. Axed de man what fur 
he killed de lamb.'' he said, de man said, not de lamb, dat he 
killed him in self-defence. 

Arc. In self defence ! absurd! 

Snow. Dat's what I said to de man; but he answered 
and said, the man said, said he jes' gwine 'long peaceably, 
when dat ar' lamb jumped ober de wall an' bit him in de leg. 
Dat wa'n't de place to put lamb's chops, an' he was gwine to 
put 'em whar dey do the mos' good. 

Arc. We must do without, then. Are there any pupils 
in the building ? 

Musty. Miss Moneybags is in the anteroom. 

Arc. Ask her to step this way, and tell Mary we are 
ready for her with the lamb. 

Musty. Which must of course be the dumb animal. 

Arc. Yes ; the dummy. {Exit Musty, r. i. e.) Now, 
professors, prepare the school. {The four bring down the 
bejich to c, and seat themselves with open books. Enter 
Miss Moneybags r. i e.) Ah! our favorite pupil. {!o 
Fred.) Miss Moneybags, Mr. Stokes; Mr. Stokes. Miss 
Moneybags. {They salute.) Miss Moneybags is still in 
our primary department, " The Curfew ; " but for this occa- 
sion will undoubtedly assist us in the difficult recitation of 
Mary and her lamb; won't you, my dear? 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 23 

Minnie. Te, he! Certainly; if you have confidence in 
my ability. 

{Enter Musty with afooVs-cap on his head^ joins the other 
professors^ standing on a stool with book.) 

Atic. Here we have the school, I representing the teacher. 
{Seats hi>nself at desk.) Proceed, Miss Moneybags ; concen- 
trate your mind on the innocence of Mary, the tenderness of 
the lamb. {To Fred.) This is the old school. 

Fred. She does look a little aged. 

Arc. Ahem! I referred to the system, not the lady. 

Minnie (z'« a high key, without any expression). 

" Mary had a little lamb." 

Arc. {raps table). Won't do, my dear ; turn your eyes to 
the left. {Strikes bell. Enter Mary with an iminense cape- 
bonnet on her head, dragging a toy lamb.) Now commence 
again. 

Minnie {with expression). 

" Mary had a little lamb." 

Arc. You see, the sight of the object arouses the pathos 
of her nature ; it is communicated to her voice, and the ex- 
pression is as tender as — 

Fred. Spring lamb. I see. 

Arc. Go on. • 

(Mary moves abont the stage.) 



Minnie. 



And everywhere that Mary went, 
The lamb was sure to go." 



Arc. You see how her voice follows the movement of 
the lamb. 

Fred. With a sort of gentle spring. I see. 
Minnie. 

" It followed her to school one day, 
It was*against the rule ; 
It made the children laugh and play." 

{The four 071 the bench, and Musty, indulge in latighter 
and play.) 

Pom. Ah ! be aisy, my daisy. 

Rag. She's bringing her dinner to school on the wool. 



24 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

BoL. She don't got der sun mit her eyes purty quick. 
Snow. A lamb at school on a tricycle. 

Musty. 

" Striving to keep back the murmur, 'Curfew must not ring to-night.' " 

{The four on bench rise, and shake their fists at MuSTY.) 

Pom. Howld yer pace ! 

BoL. Quit fooling mit der pell. 

Rag. Oh, give us a rest ! 

Snow. You great — fy, for shame! you ought to be — 
ridiculous ! 

Arc. {sternly). Professors ! {All resume places) Re- 
member you are children, and come in on the next line. 
{The five together, with characteristic dialect.) 

" What makes the lamb love Mary so,'.^ 



Minnie. 

Arc. 

Minnie. 



" The eager children cry ; " 
" Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know," 
" The teacher did reply." 
{Professors itt choj'us.) 

'♦ Ma-ri had a Little Lamb " {Student Son^a). 

{ExeuHt Professors to their rooms.) 

Fred. Very fine, very fine, Miss Moneybags. I con- 
gratulate you. 

Minnie. Te, he ! thank you. {Aside.) He's smitten. 

Arc Tiius from the incipient sproutings of genius we 
gradually enlarge the oratorical powers until the pupils of our 
unequalled system stand before the world masters of the sub- 
lime art of eloquence. None so humble but under its enlarg- 
ing pov/ers may become a Webster of the Senate, a Booth of 
the stage, or a Talmage of the pulpit. I have shown you the 
glorious system. What have you t(»'say ? 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 2^ 

Fred. That the good old maxim, " The fools are tiot all 
dead yet," is as true as ever. 

Arc. Sir ! 

Fred. Or your system would be in universal operation. 

Arc. Ah ! thank you. 

{Enter Mary, l. i e., with card) 

Mary. A gentleman to see Mr. Stokes. {Gives card.) 

Fred. Ah, Monsieur Seldarte ! 

Arc. The great master, the stupendous intellect! Let 
us fly to him ! 

Fred. Wait, I will bring him to you ; he is of so sensi- 
tive a nature, that the enthusiasm you cannot repress would 
be a shock to him, unless he was fore-warned. I will see him 
first, excuse me. {Exit l. i e.) 

Arc. This is a great day for realism, France and America 
clasping hands in the new school of art. Mary, call my 
daughter. 

Mary. Yes, sir. {Exit, r. i e.) 

Arc. {strikes bell five times). Everybody must witness the 
joyful meeting. (^Enter the professors.) Professors, the zeal 
with which you have labored in your several departments is 
about to be rewarded. The master of realistic expression 
is about to greet you. 

{Enter Fred, l. i e.) 

Fred. My dear Mr. Abbott, such a calamity ! such a 
calamity ! 

Arc. Monsieur Seldarte ? 

Fred. Is here ; but in such a condition \ 

Musty. D, 

Pom. R. 

BoL. U. 

Rag. N. 

Snow. K. 

Together. 'Rah, 'rah, 'rah ! 

Arc. {sternly). Professors ! 

Fred. You lately bewailed the want of a head io one of 
your departments, " The Maniac." Have patience, and you 
may occupy it yourself. 

Arc. I don't understand you. 

Fred. If you follow in the footsteps of your great mas- 
ter, you may expect the same fate that has overtaken him. 
The stupendous volume of realism with which he has satur- 



26 THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

ated his system has gone to his head, and made him a raving 
maniac. {Noise outside.) He is amusing himself with your 
furniture. 

Arc. But I cannot have a maniac in my house. 

Fred. Then put him out : I cannot. 

Arthur {outside). Ah ha! wher is dis impostor? 

Fred. That's you. 

Arthur {outside). Wher is de villain dat have rob me 
of my good name, ah ! {Appears c. as Seldarte.) 

Arc. Great Scott ! is that the man ? 

(Snow, gets uuder table as before; Pom. behind bench ; 
and BoL, and Rag. try to hide themselves behind each other; 
Musty, l. ; Fred, l. c. : Arc, r. c.) 

Arthur. Aha ! I am ze monarch of all zat I surve}'. I 
am Achille Seldarte. I have rear wiz my voice ze grande 
temple of expressione. I have gif it avay to mine frien' over 
ze bay, — what you call across ze water. He be one gran' 
humzebug, an' I have go mad wiz grief; an' I come to kill 
him wiz my feests. 

Pom. Faith, ther's goin' to be a foight ! 

Snow. I's mighty glad I took a seat in de grand stand. 

Arthur. Place me before his face. Gif him ze pleasure 
to meet me. 

Fred. If you are looking for Professor Abbott, he is 
there. {Points to Arc.) 

Arc. Oh, somebody take him away, quick ! 

Arthur. Aha, you tremble ! You have try to imitate 
me, ze grande master. You have try to build ze temple v/iz- 
out ze cornair-stone. 

Arc. The — the cor — cor — ner-stone ! 

Arthur. Qui. Ze grande corner-stone of ze seestem is 
ze master-passion madness, and you have leave it out. You 
have broke ze heart of ze grande master. 

Arc. But I couldn't get a professor. All the madmen 
had gone into politics or stocks. 

Arthur. Sacrd! Zat excuse is what you call lame: it 
will not hold ze water. You must die ! {Approaches him 
threatenincrly.) 

Arc. Take him away, somebody I Help, help ' 

Musty. Can't see the master abused. {To Arthur) You 
go ! {Seizes him by left wrist) 

BoL. {catching Arthur by right wrist). Get away mit 
yourself I 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 2/ 

Arthur. Ha, ha ! I shall have ze satisfaccion of killing 
somebody ! 

{They struggle. Arthi?r's coat-sleeves should be very 
long, three or four times the usual lettgih. Musty a7id Bol. 
catch him by the sleeves, and, as he struggles to get awav, 
they are drawn out to a ridiculous length. Arthur then 
slips out of the coat. Rag. now seises him by the cravat, 
which should be at least three yards long. Rag. hold/?!'" it, 
Arthur unwinds himself, leaving it in Rag.'s hands.) ' 

PoAi. {during the struggle). Aisy, b'ys, aisy ! 

Snow, {as Arthur 7/2)J.r out of the coat). It's a long 
sleebe dat has no turning. 

Poi\r. Aisy, b'ys, aisy ! Don't strike below the bilt. 

Snow, {as the cravat is left in Rag.'s hands). Dar's a 
necktie fit for de gods. 

Arthur. Ah, ha! you cannot escape wiz me. {Tries to 
seize Arc.) 

Arc. Help, help ! {Dodges Arthur two or three times, 
then runs up stage, jumps, and seizes the tongue of the bell. 
Arthur follows, and, as he hangs, gives him a swing 
to send him outside the door, then seizes rope, and ring\\ 
Parties outside swiiiging Arc. to and fro; Arc. shouting.) 
Stop, stop ! You are killing me ! 

Arthur. Ah, ha ! I have ze satisfaccion at last. {Rushes 
dowft to L. I E.) I have ring him wiz the curfew ! (Exit.) 

Arc. {dropping from bell). Oh, my arms, my arms ! 
(Musty and Bol. lead him down to table. He sinks into a 
chair. Snow, comes from beneath.) 

Snow. Golly ! dat ar ole man game on de trapeze ! 

Pom. Pon my sowl, the ould chap has the grip ! 

Fred. The lunatic has left the house : ail danger is over. 

Arc. {rises). Are you sure of it.'' 

Fred. Yes : I saw him going down the street. 

Arc. Then lock every door, fasten every shutter. {Enter 
Mary, l. i e.) Well, what is it.? 

Mary. There's a gentleman at the door who says he has 
come to apply for the professorship in the maniac depart- 
ment ; and he looks as if he could fill the place. 

Arc. Great heavens ! it's Monsieur Seldarte come again. 
{Runs up c.) 

Fred. Stop ! I will take care of him. {Exit, l. i e.) 

Arc. {7'eturns). That's a most obliging young man. 



2S THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 

{Enter, r. i e., Fanny and Minnie.) 

Fanny. Where is the great Monsieur Seldarte, papa? 

Arc. He has gone. 

Fanny. What a short visit ! 

Arc. That was the beauty of it. Fanny, is there any 
thing about me that would lead you to believe me idiotic .'' 

Fanny. Why, no, papa ! 

Arc. Then I have the pleasure of informing you that 
for the last year I have been a blamed idiot. Now, thanks 
to Monsieur Seldarte, I am recovering my senses. — Mary, 
lock up the maniac department, or I shall be wandering into 
it and making myself at home. Pay off the professors, put 
up the shutters, and take down the signs. The School of 
Expression closes to-night. 

Pom. Faith, it's out of a job we are getting, b'ys. 

BoL. Dot leaves me oud mit de cold. 

Rag. And sends me back to the old school, — the cold 
school, free lunch, under the garden wall. 

Snow. Schools may bust, but dis year professo' am 
bound to shine in de brackin' department. 

Musty. 

" Hung be the heavens in black," " Put out the light ; " 
" Blow winds, come whack ; " " This is a sorry sight." 
" The times are out of joint, oh, cursed spite 1 " 

For curfew can no longer ring to-night. 

(Pom., Bol., Rag., and '^^o^ . groan, and threaten Musty.) 

Minnie. No more curfew ! How am I to complete my 
education ? 

Arc. My dear, I will make you a present of the whole 
paraphernalia, including the professor. 

Mary. What, rob me of my Mustapha ! No, I thank 
you. He is mine, — my Romeo, my Ingomar! 

Musty. " Two souls with but a single thought." 

Bol. Don't give it avay. Dot's a curosity from der dime 
museum. 

Fanny. What's to become of me ? Has Monsieur Sel- 
darte proposed? 

Arc. No, but the other fellow has. 

{Enter Mary, l. i e.) 

Mary {handing card to Arc). Mr. Arthur James. 

Arc. The very man ! 



THE SELDARTE CRAZE. 29 

{Enter Arthur, l. i e.) 

Arthur. Mr. Abbott, I have called for the last time. 

Arc. Oh, bother! {Pushes Y a^^y into his arms.) Take 
what you called for. 

{Enter Fred, l. i e.) 

Fred. Ah! Seldarte will, trouble you no more. Dis- 
gusted with this country, he is on his way back to Europe. 

Arc. Bon voyage ! 
(Arthur andYvcE^Vi exchaitge glances, which Arc notices.) 

Arthur {offering his hand). How can I thank you '^ 

Arc. {taking hand). Don't mention it. {Raises hand, and 
looks at ri?ig on AkthvyCs Jinger.) Fine ring that. 

Arthur. I value it highly. 

Arc. Ahem! The late Monsieur Seldarte had dne ex- 
actly like it. 

Arthur. Indeed ! 

Arc. You've not so much beard as you had the last time 
I saw you. 

Arthur. No. I shaved off my beard to please this 
lady. 

Arc. Just what the late Monsieur Seldarte did. You 
had a close shave. 

Arthur. Pretty close. {Aside, to Fanny.) He suspects. 
Shall I confess ? 

Fanny. No, indeed ! 

Arthur {aloud). Pretty close shave ! 

Arc. {looking round to curfew). So did I. {Looks at 
card.) You write a good hand. It resembles that of the 
late Monsieur Seldarte. 

Arthur. Indeed ! 

Arc. So much so, that when I re-open the school — 

Professors {with sights of Joy). 'Rah, 'rah, 'rah ! 

Arc. If ever I am such an idiot — 

{Professors, with signs of grief, groan.) 

Arc. I shall appoint you professor in a sphere for which 
you seem well quahfied, — the maniac department of the 
Seldarte Asylum. 

disposition of characters. 

R., Snow., Bol., Rag., Pom., Arc. ; Arthur, Fanny, 
Mary, Musty, Minnie, Fred, l. 



NEW ENTERTAINMENTS, 



THE FLAG DRILL. 

An entertainment for girls, by Mary B. Horne. 

This picturesque and beautiful entertainment introduces ten girls, or 
more if desired, in the costumes of different nations, and bearing their 
national flags. A series of marches and evolutions are described, and a 
form of the manual of arms adapted for this purpose. Three drills are 
given, the manual in each being varied by marches and the singing of appro- 
priate national airs. The evolutions and tableaux of this drill are naturally 
very beautiful. Ten boys representing the American Army and Navy may 
also be employed in connection with this drill, or may be omitted if 
preferred. 

Price, -------15 cents. 

Note. — The Flag Drill will constitute a part of "The Book of Drills," which will 
include a number of new and original entertainments of this popular kmd, and which will be 
ready about November ist. Price 30 cents. 



A &ENTLEMAN FROM IDAHO. 

A Drama in Prologue and three acts, for eight male and two female 
characters. 

The action of the Prologue takes place in Empire City, Idaho ; that of 
the later acts in England. Three good comedy parts, lead and juvenile 
both strong. Ladies parts both good. Costumes and scenery easily man- 
aged. 

Price, __-_-, -15 cents. 



A DREAM OF THE CENTURIES, 

And other entertainments for Parlor and Hall, by Geo. B. Bartlett and 
others. Comprising "A Dream of the Centuries," (School Dialogue for 18 
children), "Mademoiselle's Christmas Gifts," (Comedy, 8 female, i male,) 
"America's Birthday Party," (Operetta for Exhibitions, 9 characters, all 
girls), by G. B. Bartlett, "Tell-Tale," "Buoyant," "Dotage," (Charades). 

Price --...--15 cents. 



For other novelties see the preeeding page. 



NEW ENTERTAINCDENTS 

AH EVENING OF STATUARY AND TABLEADX. 

BY GEORGE B. BARTLETT. flii 

Mr. Bartlett's skill in arranging entertainments of this characte^'" 
ensures a warm welcome for every new book from his pen. This book 
comprises twenty-four new tableaux and pantomimes — a set of in-door m 
entertainments, with simple and effective directions by which they can •' 
be carried out with little trouble and expense. - Price, 25 Cents. 



H T^^OTHER Goose Rpcrtv 

AND OTHER ENTERTAINMENTS. 

By George B. Bartlett. 

Containing directions for A Mother Goose Party, A Mother Goose 
Operetta, Dame History's Peep-Show, A Vision of Shakespeare's 
Heroines, Historical Hints for Tableaux, A Tableau from Blue Beard, 
Literati, etc. Price, 15 Cents. 



AND OXHKR ENTKR-XAITsTNlENTS. 
BY GEORGE B. BARTLETT. 

Containing Mother Goose Pantomimes, a Christmas Pantomime, 
Dissolving Views, etc. Price, 16 Cents. 



A NEW PLAY BY GEO. M. BAKER. 

GusTAVK, Thk PROKKSSOR. 

A comedy in one act, translated from the French by Geo. M. Baker. 
Four male, two female characters; time in representation, forty-five 
minutes. Price, fes Cents. 



UNDER K SREI-L-. 

A comedy in one act, from the French, by Julia DeW. Gibbs. 
Four male, one female characters ; time in representation, forty-five 
minutes to an hour. Price, 15 Cents. 



A KAIvSK KOTK. 

A comedy in one act, by Julia DeW. Gibbs. Three male, four 
female characters. Plays about an hour. - - Price, 15 Cents. 



SELECTED LIST OF STANDARD PLAYS. 

Price, 15 Cents each. 



THE ADOPTED CHILD. A Musical Drama in Two Acts. By Samuel BiRcit 

tLsq. beyen male, four female characters. Scenes, exteriors and interiors. Cos* 
tumes : doublets, trunks, etc. This is a very effective play, the principal char- 
acter being an old salt." Time m representation, one hour fifteen minutes. 

ADVICE TO HUSBANDS. A Comedietta in One Act. By C. S. LANc^Mait. 
l-ive male, one female characters. Scene, landscape. Costume modern. Tim* 
m representation, forty minutes. 

ALADDIN ; or. The Wonderful Lamp. A Drama in Three Acts. Ten mala. 
SIX female characters. Aladdin usually assumed by a lady. Costumes of tW 
tairy and burlesque type. Scenery of the well-known fairy tale. 

CENTENNIAL. A Charade in Three Acts. Seven ladies and six gentlemen. 
Scene, interior of a country grocery store. Very easy to gel up. 

CAPTAI N KYD ; or, The Wizard of the Sea. A Drama in Four Acts. By 
J. b. Jones. Fourteen male, five female characters. Scenery difficult. Cos- 
tumes of 1 694-1 699. Time in representation, about two hours. 

CRINOLINE. A Farce in One Act. By Robert Brough. Four male, four 
female characters. Scene, interior. Costumes, English modern. Time in repre- 
sentation, forty-eight minutes. 

THE FREE WARD. A Farce in One Act. Six male, two female characters. 
Scene, hospital office. Irish and Dutch characters. Time in representation, forty 
minutes. This piece makes a very effective dialect reading. 

THE DON'S STRATAGEM. A Parlor Play in Three Scenes. Four male. 
three female characters. Has Scotch dialect parts. 

^LLA ROSENBERG. A Melodrama in Two Acts. Bv James Kenney. Seven 

male, three female characters. Scenery, elaborate. Costumes: Huzzar dress, 
trunks, tights, etc. Time in representation, about two hours. 

A FAMILY FAILING. A Farce in One Act. By John Oxenford. Six male, 
one female character. Scene, elegant interior; time of Charles II. Costumes of 
that period. Time in representation, one hour. 

A PRETTY PIECE OF PROPERTY. A Farce. Two male, four female 

characters. A very easy parlor piece. 

FIGHTING BY PROXY. A Burletta in One Act. By James Kennky. Six 
male, two female characters. Scene, interior. Costumes modem, if desived. A 
fine piece. Time in representation, one hour. 

THE GROTTO NYMPH : or, Fairy Favor. A Fantastic Musical Morcea* 
of absurdity in One Act. By A Wallace Thaxter. Three male, seven female 
characters. Costumes, fairies and princes of the burlesque school. Scenes, feiry 
lakes, etc. Time in representation, one hour. 

CIRALDA ; or, The Miller's Wife. A Comic Drama in Three Acts. By Ben- 
jamin Webster. Six male, five female characters. Scenes, exterior and in- 
terior, numerous and important. Costumes, trunks, shapes, etc. Time in repre- 
sentation, one hour and fifty minutes. 

THE LADY OF THE LAKE. A Melodramatic Romance in Two Acts. By 
Thomas Dibdin, ft-om Sir Walter Scott's poem. Thirteen male, three female 
characters, and a number of supernumeraries. Scenery, elaborate. Costumes, 
Highlanders, etc. Time in representation, about two hours. A good play to takf 
selections froai. 



I H E LAST M AN : or, The Miser of Elthan Green. A Drama in Two Acts. 
By Geo. DiBDiN Pitt. Eleven male, three female characters. Scenery, interior* 
and exteriors. Costumes, time of George the Second. Time in representation, 
one hour and a half. 

A LUCKY HIT. A Petit Comedy in One Act. By Haward Paul. Three male, 
one female characters. Scene, elegant apartment. Costumes, square-cut coats, 
wigs, etc. Time in representation, forty-five minutes. 

THE MIDNIGHT BANQUET; or. The Castle of Cabaldo. Melodrama 
in Two Acts. Six male, three female characters. Costumes, bandits, etc. Seen, 
ery easy. Time in representation, one hour and forty m.nutes. 

THE MILLER AND HIS MEN. A Melodrama in Two Acts. By L. Pr 

COCK. Seven male, three female speaking characters. Robbers, millers' men, sm 
hussars. Scenery, very elaborate; costumes, ditto. This is one of the best piece 
of its class ever produced. Time in representation, one hour and a half. 

MY SON DIANA. A Farce in One Act. By A. Harris. Three male, two 
female characters. Scene, interior. Costumes modem. Time in representation, 
forty minutes. 

NATURE AND PHILOSOPHY; or, The Youth who never saw /. 
Woman. A Farce in One Act. Three male (one usually performed by a woman) 
two female characters. Scenes, wood and garden. Costumes, shape and tights 
Time in representation, fifty minutes. 

OLD AND YOUNG; or. Both Alike. A Comedy in Two Acts. By John 
Salmon. Five male, five female characters. Scenery, interiors. Costumes o: 
1750. An easy, effective piece. Time in representation, one hour and a quarter. 

ELIZABETH CARISBROOKE WITH A " P." A Parlor Play in 
Three Acts. Two male, four female characters. A very amusing piece. 

POOR PETER. A Farce in One Act. Five male, two female characters. Lead 
ing lady part, a ballet-girl, with dance if desired. 

MY SISTER'S HUS B A N D . A Drawing-room Piece in Two Scenes. Thre z 
male, three female characters. 

THE REVIEW. A Musical Farce in Two Acts. By George Coleman. Eight- 
male, four female characters. Time in representation, about one hour. 

THE SHAKER LOVERS. A Drama in One Act. By S. D.Johnson. Sever 
male, three female characters. Scenes, landscapes and woods. Costumes modern. 
Time in representation, thirty minutes. 

THE TRUMPETER'S DAUGHTER. A Farce in One Act. By J. Ster- 
LING Coyne. Four male, one female characters. Scene, artist's studio. Cos- 
tumes, square-cut coats, breeches, etc. Time in representation, forty minutes. 

WALLACE; The Hero of Scotland. An Historical Drama in Three Acts 
Appropriate costumes. Time in representation, about two hours. 

ZELINA ; or. The Triumph of the Greeks. A Warlike Grecian Drama in Three 
Acts. By C. A. Somerset. Eleven male, two female characters, soldiers, e>. 
Scenery elaborate. Costumes, Grecian and Turkish. Two splendid Yankee a: J 
Irish sailor parts. Time in representation, one hour and fifty minutes. 

NAAMAN THE SYRIAN. A Drama in Four Acts. By Rev. James Boxek 
Ten male, seven female characters. A Scriptural play, adapted for church repre 
sentation. 

THE REGISTER. A Comedy In One Act. By W. D. Howklls. Two maic 
two female characters. Price, 25 cents. 



MEYER'S CELEBRATED GREASE PAINTS. 

We are now prepared to furnish a full line of Grease Paints of the celebrated make 
«f Charles Meyer, at the manufacturer's price. These paints are acknowledged by 
professionals to be the best, and are in general use in our theatres. Compared" to the 
Sid method of using powders, these paints are far superior, as they impart a clearer 
md more life-like appearance to the skin, and, being of a greasy nature, cannot easily 
)e affected by perspiration. We can supply the following necessary colors, put up 
'ai a neat box, with full directions for use, viz. : Light Flesh, Dark Flesh, Brown, 
Black, Lake, White, Carmine, and Slate. Price, $i.oo. 

We have also the following extra colors : — 
Mo. NO. NO. 

1. Very pale Flesh Color. 6. Healthy Sunburned, for ii. Ruddy, for old age. 

2. Light Flesh, deeper tint. juvenile heroes. 12. Olive, healthy. 

\, Natural Flesh Color, for 7. Healthy Sunb'ned, deep- 13. Olive, lighter shade, 
juvenile heroes. er shade. 14. Gypsy flesh color. 

4. Rosy Tint, for juvenile 8. Sallow, for young men. 15. Othello. 

heroes. 9. Healthy Color, for mid- 16. Chinese. 

5. Deeper shade, for juve- die ages. 17. Indian. 

nile heroes. 10. Sallow, for old age. 18. East Indian. 

Done up in sticks of four inches in length, at 25 cents each. Any other colol 
made to order. 

LI N I N G COLORS : Brown, Black, Lake, and White, 15 cents each. Carmine 
and White, large sticks, 25 cents each. 



MEYER'S WELL-KNOWN FACE PREPARATIONS. 

Justly recommended by the profession as being the best. 

CREAM EXORA. — In large china pots. A very fine preparation for beauti- 
fying the complexion, in difl!erent shades, as follows : No. i, White; No 3, Tint 
of Rose; No, 3, Darker Shade (brunette). 50 and 75 cents per box. 

ADHESIVE POWDER. —For sticking on Mustaches, Whiskers, etc. 
Price, 25 cents per box. 

COCOA B UTTE R . — For rem.oving grease paint. Large pieces, 35 cents. 



DORIN'S { iS*| i^l jgl lt'g'l.-i^*^- 35 c ents each. 

itJAKER'S SMOKE POTS. — Having considerable call for an article for 

making smoke for fire scenes, etc., we have made arrangements with the pyro- 
technist of the Boston Theatre to supply us with the best article for that purpose; 
we can now furnish smoke pots, entirely free from stench and producing a thick 
white smoke, in two sizes, at 35 and 50 cents each. 

BAKER'S BLACK OPERA CORK. — For Ethiopian Singers and Actors. 

40 cents per box. 

BAKER'S TABLEAU LIGHTS. — Red, Green, and White. Price, 25 
cents each. 

These lights are put up especially for our trade, and cannot be excelled for 
brilliancy. They burn with as little smoke as any preparation for like purpose. 
The white is especially brilliant, rivalling the magnesium light in intensity. We 
have the above solidified for mailing purposes, enough for three lights in a pack- 
age, at the same price. 

The Tableau Lights will be sold in bulk, put up in tin boxes, not less than 
Haifa pound of a color, at $1.50 per pound; sent only by express. 



We can furnish any of the articles advertised in the catalogues of other publisher* 

of plays, at list prices. 



THE GLOBS DRAMA. 



Price, 85 Cent* each. 



% rfiTTl>ON BONDS. A Drama in Four Acts. By J. 1. Tkottbkid* 
naSS Three scenes/Modern costumes. Easily produced. 

a iTTVnE R A VEII.. A Comedietta in One Act. By Sir Rakdall K^nsfra* 
*• ^bS-U Two male, three female characters. Scene, interior. mvJilBroa^ 

Time in representation, thirty minutes. 
- ^T Ace n \v A Farce in One Act. By Dr. Francis A. Harris. Fo\w 
^- ^^"^iffle^th.^; femaleTha^^^^^ Scene^ interior. Played at Harvard wnb 

great success. t> /-, ~ >jr 

A -R-FTTKR THAN GOLD. A Drama in Four Acts. By Gkob^^ w. 
4. BETTER THAiN^t^u^^^^ ^^^^^^ characters. One interior; same for the 

four acts. , . mi. a *= 

K TWRS WALTHROP'S BACHELORS. A Comedy in Three Act-. 

Boarders" were translated from the same.) 

A OTTTl MUTUAL FRIEND. A Comedy in Four Acts. Dramatised from 

*• ^^^henYv^l by Charles Dickens. By Harriet R. Shattuck. Four male, 
three female characters. _ ^ ,, 

» TiVKVCCAS TRIUMPH. A Drama in Three Acts. By George M. 

7. REBECCA ^ AK^^^'^^^^^t^^racters only.) Sixteen characters Scenes are : 
At^l kitchen. Act 2, woods. Act 3, parlor. Wntien at the request of 
^e '' bo c! Cook'ng Club," of Chicago, who took -Among the Breakers 
as a model. i » ^ 

8 APPLES. Comedy in One Act frcn, Blackwood's Magazine. One male, two 

female characters. . -n^ -i a 

o -RABTF Comedy in Three Acts. Translated from the French of Emile de 
®- ^^ Nafac an^ Alfred Hennquin. -y F. E. Chase. Six male, five female 

characters. „ - t- ^ m 

10 A PERSONAL MATTER. Comedy in One Act. By^. E.Chase. Two 
* male, and two female characters. 

11 r^n^RADES V Drama in Three Acts. By George M. Baker. Four 

11. COMRADES.^ A^^ija ^^^^_^^^^^^^ g^^^^^ .^,,rior. Costume* raoderr 

Always successful. 
1 « SNOW-BOUND. A Musical and Dramatic Entertainment, iiy GEORGE \ 

12. SNOW-BUliP<y. ^^.^^I^^j^^j.^^^^^ requires some scem;ry 

?ut can be eLsily produced. Intro.luces t on^-s, r. ciiauon«, and an ong.nal 
Burfesqae, -Alon^zo the Brave and the Fair Imogene." Time, two hours^^ 
l«t BON-BONS. A. Musical and Dramatic Entertainment. ^^ G^o^^^^...^' 
Baker Fur four performers: three male, one fenuile K»-quires 1 tie 
sctner^'; introduces soi.gs, recitaiicns, and an original Burlesque, ihe 
Paint king." Time in represenialiun, two hours. 
ivt T>ASiT if-FOEMPTION. A ISlew Temperance Drima in Four Acts. By 
^*' ^"^^^GEJu^fSBAKEr Nine male, and four fern. 1- characters, anJ -xier- 
numeraries. Scenery : three interiors, one exteiiur. 

IK NEVADA: or, The Lost Mine. Drama, in Three Acts. By Geobo^ A. 

15. NEA AIJA, o^r,^^^ ^^^^^ ^^^^^ ^^^^^^^ characters. Scenery, txicrior and in- 

terior of a Miner's Cabin in Nevada. Time, about tjwo liour^. 
1A POISON. A Farce, as acted by the Hasty Pudding CJib of Harvard College 

16. P<>IJ\JJ*-grfat succees. Four male, three female cWvracter«. iime, thirty 

minutea. > 

17. THE COOL COLLEGIANS. Comedy in Two Wets, by Mi'.-'^ Medic; 

three male and four female characters. J 

Price, 15 Cents. \ 

- o X r»T?T^C O-P CREATION. A Comedy in Three Acti By Ella Cheever 

characters. P"ce.loct8. ^,^^. * Mock TriJ . By F. E. ChaSB. 

80. iHE GREAT UMBRELLA CASE, A MocK xna . i^y 

Fifth Edition just ready. Pnce, locts. I 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 23 WintenSt., Bostf 



GEORGE M. BAKEl 

Price 15 cents, unless othe 



Drama in two 



Drama 



ABOVE THE CLOUDS. 

acts. 7 males, 4 females. 

AMONG THE BREAKERS. 

two acts. 6 males, 4 females. 
BETTER THAN GOLD. Drama in four 

acts. 5 males, 4 females. 25 CentS. 

BON-BONS. Musical entertainment. 3 males, 

I female. 25 CentS. 

BOSTON DIP, THE. Comedietta in one 

act. 4 males, 3 females. 
BREAD ON THE WATERS. Drama in 

two acts. 5 males, 3 females. 
CAPTJLETTA. Burlesque in two parts. 3 

males, i female. 

CHAMPION OF HER SEX, THE. Farce 

in one act. 8 females. 

CHRISTMAS CAROL, A. Christmas en- 
tertainment from Dickens. Many char. 

CLOSE SHAVE, A. Farce in one act. 6 
males. 

COALS OF FIRE. Farce in one act. 6 
males. 

COMRADES. Drama in three acts. 4 males, 

3 females. 25 CentS. 
DOWN BY THE SEA. Drama 

acts. 6 males, 3 females. 
DROP TOO MUCH, A. Farce in one act. 

4 males, 2 females. 
DUCHESS OF DUBLIN, THE. Farce in 

one act. 6 males, 4 females. 

ENLISTED FOR THE WAR. Drama in 

three acts. 7 males, 3 females. 

FAIRY OF THE FOUNTAIN. THE. 

Play for children in two acts. 10 char. 25c. 

FLOWER OF THE FAMILY, THE. 

Comedy-drama in three acts. 5 males, 3 fern. 
FLOWING BOWL, THE. Drama in three 

acts. 7 males, 3 females. 25 CentS. 

TREEDOM OF THE PRESS. Farce in 

one act. 8 males. 

GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY. Farce 

in one act. 12 males 
GREAT ELIXIR, THE. Farce in one act. 

9 males. 

GREATEST PLAGUE IN LIFE, THE. 

Farce in one act. 8 females. 
GRECIAN BEND, THE. Farce in one 

act. 7 females. 

HUMORS OF THE STRIKE, THE. 

Farce in one act. 8 males. 
HYPOCHONDRIAC, THE. Farce in one 

act.i'ys males. 
LAST LOAF, THE. Drama in two acts. 

5 males, 3 females. 

LIGHTHEART'S PILGRIMAGE. Alle- 

gory for schools. 8 females and chorus. 

LITTLE BROWN JUG, THE. Diama in 

three acts. 5 males, 3 females. 
LITTLE MORE CIDER A. Farce in one 

act. 5 males, 3 females. 
LOVE OF A BONNET, A. Farce in one 

act 5 females. 

MAN WITH THE DE'ffilJOHN, THE. 

Farce in one act. 4 male; 
MY BROTHER'S KE},PER. Drama in 

three acts. 5 males, 3 fe nales. 

MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE, A. 

Farce in one act. 4 m?les. 
TY UNCLE THE C\PTAIN. Farce in 
me act. 6 males. 
VER SAY DIE. Farce in one act. 3 
'es, 3 females. 
\DA. Drama in 'hree acts. 8 males, 3 

s. _ 25 cents. 



NEW B 

Farce in 




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785 398 3 

Farce in one act. 7 
Drama xs\ <;w« 9.cJt.? 



I 



Drama 



NO CURE, NO PAY. 

females. 

ONCE ON A TIME. 

4 males, 2 females 

ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO. 

in two acts. 8 males, 3 females. 
ORIGINAL IDEA, AN. Dialogue for a 

lady and gentleman. 
OUR FOLKS. Drama in three acts. 6 males, 

5 females. 

PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE. Farce 

in one act. 7 males, 3 females. 
PAST REDEMPTION. Drama in four 
acts. 9 males, 4 females. 25 centS. 

PEDLAR OF VERYNICE, THE. Bur- 

lesque. 7 m.ales. 
PRECIOUS PICKLE, A. Farce in one 

act. 6 females. 
PUBLIC BENEFACTOR, A. Farce m 

one act. 6 males. 
REBECCA'S TRIUMPH. Drama in three 
acts. 16 females. ', 5 CSntS. 

two i RED CHIGNON, THE. Farce in one act. 
I 6 females. 

REVOLT OF THE BEES, THE. Mu- 

sical allegory. 9 females. 
RUNAWAYS, THE. Farce in one act. * 

males. 
SANTA CLAUS' FROLICS. Christmas- 

tree entertainment. Many char. 

SCULPTOR'S TRIUiyiPH, THE. Alle- 

gory. I male, 4 females. 
SEA OF TROUBLES, A. Farce in one 
act. 8 males. 

SEEING THE ELEPHANT. Temper- 

ance farce. 5 males, 2 females. 

SEVEN AGES, THE. Tableau entertain- 
ment 7 males, 4 females. 

SHALL OUR MOTHERS VOTE] Hu- 
morous debate for 11 boys. 

SNOW BOUND. Musical and dramatic en- 
tertainment. 3 males, i fomale 26 CentS. 

STAND BY THE FLAG. Drama in one 
act. 5 males. 

SILVIA'S SOLDIER. Drama in two acts. 
3 males, 2 females. 

TEMPTER. THE. Drama in one act. 5 
males, i female. 

TENDER ATTACHMENT, A. Farce in 

one act. 7 males. . 

THIEF OF TIME, THE. Farce in one 

act. 6 males. 

THIRTY MINUTES FOR REFRESH- 

mentS. Farce in one act. 4 males, 3 fem. 

THORN AMONG THE ROSES, A. Com- 

edy in one act. 2 males, 8 females. 
TITANIA. Play for children in two acts. 
Many char. 25 CentS. 

TOO LATE FOR THE TRAIN. Dialogue 

for 2 males, introducing songs and recitations. 

TOURNAIWENT OF IDYL WENT, THE. 

Allegory for 13 females. 
VISIONS OF FREEDOM. Allegory for 

16 females. 
USING THE WEED. Farce in one act. 

7 females. 
WANTED, A MALE COOK. Farce in 

one act. 4 males. 
WAR OF TFK ROSES. Allegory for 8 

females. 

WE'RE ALL TEETOTALERS. Farce <a 

one scene. 4 males, 2 females. 



ER H. BAKER, & CO.Hp. o. Box 2846), Boston, Mas& 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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